|"The Merv Griffin Show"|
|Air Date||November 6, 1997|
|Writer(s)||Bruce Eric Kaplan|
|← The Junk Mail · The Slicer →|
- "So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: What a coincidence. We're just about to eat."
- ― Jerry
Kramer discovers the set of the old Merv Griffin Show in a dumpster. George's girlfriend, Miranda, is disgusted when George runs over some pigeons with his car. George believes that pigeons and humans "have a deal" (pigeons are to move out of the way when humans approach, and humans will overlook the pigeons' statue defecation), and that the pigeons have broken the deal. Jerry is fascinated with his girlfriend's old toy collection that she won't let him near. Elaine's new co-worker is a real "sidler" (Brent Hinkley): he moves silently behind people. He causes Elaine to spill coffee that creates a stain that looks like Fidel Castro.
Kramer takes the discarded set pieces and recreates The Merv Griffin Show set in his apartment. He pretends that the show is still on the air and acts as the new host, even using the show's theme when guests come onto the set, conducting interviews of everyone who enters his apartment. Kramer even stops interviews and cuts to a "commercial break" where he sips on a Diet Coke and eats from a bag of chips, before exclaiming, "We're back!" Elaine schemes to out-sidle the sidler who might be sidling her out of a job. While George swerves to avoid a pigeon, he hits a squirrel. Jerry schemes for an opportunity to play with his girlfriend's toys. Kramer adds Newman as a co-host for his show to help relieve the pressure of being a host. On his show Jerry says he has finally found a way to play with the toys, by drugging his girlfriend. Kramer is shocked and says, "Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?! "
Miranda insists that George pay for the special surgery required to fix the squirrel. Elaine gives Tic Tacs to the sidler to make him noisy; unfortunately, the sound annoys J. Peterman, which reminds him of an old Haitian torture. Jerry and George treat Jerry's girlfriend to a dinner of turkey and wine, followed by a slow movie; they hope that the wine and the tryptophan in the turkey will cause her to fall asleep, and she soon dozes off. Once she is asleep, Jerry and George happily play with the toys. Later, Elaine joins in to play with an Easy-Bake Oven.
Kramer is concerned about his "ratings" and decides to change the format of the show to "Scandals and Animals". On the "show" (still without cameras) Kramer gets Jerry to admit that he has been drugging his girlfriend. Kramer then brings out the angry girlfriend (who was "backstage"); she breaks up with Jerry as Kramer and Newman do their best to whip up the non-existent audience, à la The Jerry Springer Show.
For the Animals segment of the show, Kramer invites animal expert Jim Fowler, who arrives with a hawk and asks Kramer, "Where are the cameras?" George brings the squirrel over to the set to get Jim Fowler's opinion, and the hawk goes after it. The Merv Griffin set is destroyed in the process, and afterwards Kramer comments, "It was just too much pressure hosting a talk show."