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The Label Maker

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"The Label Maker"
The label maker
Season 6
Episode 98
Air Date January 19, 1995
Writer(s) Alec Berg
Jeff Schaffer
Director Andy Ackerman
The Switch · The Scofflaw

"The Label Maker" is the 12th episode of the sixth season of Seinfeld, and the 98th episode overall. This episode first aired on January 19, 1995.

Plot

Jerry has two tickets to the Super Bowl (on Sunday) but he cannot attend due to "the Drake's" wedding ("The Handicap Spot"). Jerry gives the tickets to Dr. Tim Whatley ("The Mom and Pop Store"). George has a new girlfriend, Bonnie, and he is eager to go to her apartment. Elaine and Jerry suspect that Whatley is a "re-gifter" after Jerry receives the same label maker that Elaine gave Tim for Christmas. Kramer and Newman play an extended game of Risk. They leave the board in neutral country ("like Switzerland") at Jerry's apartment.

George likes Bonnie's apartment, including a velvet couch. However, George immediately becomes upset because Bonnie has a male roommate named Scott who looks just like him. Kramer informs that the Drakes' wedding has been postponed because of the Super Bowl. George suggests Jerry to "de-gift" Tim Whatley the tickets. Newman stops by Jerry's apartment and tells him he will go to the Super Bowl with one of Whatley's tickets.

George inquires Bonnie regarding her behavior with Scott. Elaine dates Whatley in order to find out whether or not he really re-gifted her label maker; she wants to get in his apartment. Tim Whatley takes away Newman's ticket and gives it to Elaine. Jerry and George suspect that, due to Elaine's behavior, Whatley invited her purely with the intent of seducing her.

George tries to wheedle Bonnie into getting Scott to move out, and is surprised when he succeeds, realizing with dismay that he is now the most responsible man in her life. Newman and Cosmo Kramer continue their game in Jerry's apartment. As they play, Jerry looks out the window and notices that Kramer's car is being towed. Kramer runs out of the apartment and after the tow truck, taking the board with him; and Newman chases Kramer to make sure he doesn't cheat.

Upon learning that Elaine does not intend to have sex with him on the Super Bowl trip, Whatley breaks up with Elaine and gives her ticket back to Jerry. Using Jerry's label maker to help Bonnie box up Scott's things, George discovers that all the things he liked about Bonnie's apartment, including the velvet couch and the television, belonged to Scott.

Taking their game to the subway, Kramer is confident in his victory over Newman, taunting him for having possession over the "weak" nation of Ukraine. A Ukrainian man standing next to them hears Kramer, is offended, and smashes the board.

Elaine uncovers Whatley's secret: he regifted the label maker because it was defective: the label adhesive wasn't strong enough. Elaine, upset, tells him that she had given it to him to thank him for the dental work he had done on her, and they end up kissing passionately. The labels on Scott's boxes peel off on the mail truck.

At the Super Bowl, Jerry finds himself sitting next to Newman instead of Whatley. Newman mentions that some boxes without labels were rendered undeliverable and claimed by them ("Freebies"). Desperate to escape his relationship with Bonnie, George asks her if she is interested in a ménage à trois ("The Switch"), hoping that she will be disgusted and dump him. Instead, George immediately discovers that both she and Scott are interested.

Quotes

  • Kramer: We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
  • Jerry: So that's here?
  • Kramer: Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
  • Jerry (sounding like a child): I don't wanna be Switzerland. (referencing "The Puffy Shirt" and "The Mom and Pop Store"')


  • George: (after Jerry learns that the Drakes' wedding has been postponed, and he can use the Super Bowl tickets he had just given Whatley) So ask for the tickets back. He's gotta offer you some kinda grace period.
  • Jerry: (incredulous) Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving?


  • George: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.


  • George: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?
  • Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?!
  • George: Well...he's merry.
  • Jerry: (contemplates a moment) He is merry, I'll give him that.


  • Newman: I'm a little insulted, Jerry.
  • Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.


  • Jerry: (speaking about Tim Whatley) I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted, then he de-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.


  • Jerry: Hey! Isn't this Kramer's car? Hey, Cosmo! They're towing your car!
  • Kramer: (Kramer and Newman playing Risk) What? Hey! My Car! Aahhh! They're towing my car!
  • Newman: What are you doing?
  • Kramer : I'm taking the board with me!
  • Newman: Hey!
  • Kramer: (Chasing after his car and being chased by Newman) My car! Hey! Wait a minute!


  • Jerry: (about Kramer and Newman) Oh, it's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.


  • Newman: Uh, I can't think! It's all this noise...
  • Kramer: Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland, I've driven you out of Western Europe, and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation?
  • Newman: I'm not beaten yet! I still have armies in the Ukraine.
  • Kramer: (chuckling) The Ukraine? You know what the Ukraine is. It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine...
  • Ukrainian passenger: I come from Ukraine; you not say Ukraine weak!
  • Kramer: Yeah, well, we're playing a game here, pal.
  • Ukrainian passenger: Ukraine is game to you?! How 'bout I take your little board and smash it?! (slams fist on board, sending game tokens flying and terrifying Newman)

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